Restart

Recently I've had some pretty hard hits to my life...pretty much straight after the spring break, which was just amazing, things started falling down the hill.
And as I've been pretty honest with my life here and I am pretty stuck with myself at the moment, I thought...writing always helps you Kelly, do that.

There is that friend whos friendship has been pretty much over/weird for the past few months. I haven't quite accepted it and I have been like pushing it off and doing my stuff. But like recently...I mean there are so many ideas and words in my mind, but I can't say these out loud...and that person has been kinda back in my life and I really don't know how to feel about it. I mean I don't want to lose that person, because we have some amazing memories but yet again I can't keep holding into that if my feelings aren't right. Specially...when I am having such a down time, I don't think sharing that...Feel like we've been just growing apart or we both have changed, in good or bad, you choose. And feel like I haven't been able to say exactly how I feel because I don't want the person to get hurt. But for now I feel like it's time...time to say how it actually is and well life always turns out how it had to be. *update-tears and lots of emotions in letters)

Family life...like it's a weird one...For example this week I haven't been at home a single night...today is the first one and it’s freaking Friday..it's just that home doesn't feel home..I love how one person told me week ago "Home doesn't have to be a place, it can be 2 arms and a heart" welp then I have lost both of these right now. It's just that...my grandparents have been pain the *insert some badbad words here* and then one mum incident...It all has pulled me down so much. Like you don’t want to show it, but if little things keep happening…you just can not to let them come to your mind

Also school, well it's always a part that brings us down isn't it? But like yeah exams are coming, I am really not prepared to actually study hard for them. And other school work...there is no homework doing anymore. Yeah well it's just some shitty place + the graduation things, egh.

My best friend and I...I actually don't know what I feel. I mean before I was really stressed and anxious now I am just...I just am. Of course I am sad, but like I haven't lost that person so nothing changes/changed like that. I just suck at moving on with lives and things stay in my mind probably way too long, thinking about situations and things I suckkkkk. So it's a thing that shooked me a lot but I am so thankful for the honesty and life is showing us these things for a reason. Also having the talk yesterday…I felt so grown up, like…like a scene in movies. But there is still unconditional love to that person.
But after it all...for some time I am actually….like yeah. I am happy there are some fresh people in our lives at the end of the day.

Alsoooo I realized something yesterday…like maybe why I haven’t been able to tell who is friend and who is not and blahblah. I am afraid of a new relationship. Like in my life right now I am there, where…there could be a relationship, or there could become one. But…I am freaking out to this idea. Like…woah. I so afraid of getting hurt again and showing the real emotions…And yeah, one fun fact to me :d

Something good as well? Hahah yeah there are some things actually :d There has been a lot driving around, which btw I have been loving! And it also has been something that has kept my mind off of everything. And I pretty much got the job there where I realllyyy wanted, like today I went there to talk. It was like a chat with a friend. Asked questions, talked, made jokes, saw the bosses and it all was just so chill, like woaahh!

So because I am so confused of it all...I thought I am going to write my like plan or journey here, where I am trying to heal myself and find that Kelly that has been lost for SOOOOOO long :) So there will be posts of what I’ve been up to and what’s next. Today I for example went for a 5,7km run and did about 1,5h workout at home…Also I think about starting a video blog to myself, every day little clip. But I’ll take it easy, easy, easy and sooooon I’ll be better than ever!